Thursday, July 26, 2012

T Minus One Day!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO excited for the Olympics to start! Opening Ceremony is tomorrow night at 7:30pm. I love having the TV on 24/7 with all the fun sports and games playing in the background. I never want to miss a moment. Plus, I love the summer Olympics the most!! I hope not to miss rhythmic gymnastics, that thing is BOMB!! you can tell I am excited. I guess I better leave it there than :oD

Well, I also wanted to notify the press that *somehow* my dog lives. Two nights ago now she ate a pretty large quantity of grapes. Grapes are known to be toxic and even fatal to dogs. They can cause kidney failure and eventually a very, painful death. I was so mad at her for doing something so dumb!! I have left grapes on the counters before and she never paid them any heed, but for some reason that night she must have been hungry!

She ate at LEAST that many. So you can see why we were so concerned. But besides seemingly having a slight buzz, Jade acted perfectly normal. Dumb dog.

Slightly related to my Dumb Dog: Can I share my love of my new Dirt Devil vacuum?? It is because of Jade's extreme hair loss that I even had to buy the thing. We have to vacuum/sweep at LEAST once a day, and it can be pretty hard to vacuum while pregnant. So Hubby graciously allowed me to buy the lightweight Dirt Devil. It converts into a hand held vacuum with a detailer!! I hugged it all the way to the check out line at Target the day we bought it. 

This is the handheld part right after I used it yesterday and gave it a good washing. What a yummy color blue!! 

So ad-midst a stressful time in my life, the above are 3 things to be excited about!! Woo HOO! Thanks for listening!

Friday, July 20, 2012

yet another 10 Things Friday!

Here is a list of my next 10 books to read/finish!!

1. Pharisectomy by Peter Haas

2. Insurgent by Veronica Roth

3. Your Marriage CAN Survive a newborn by Natalie Williams

4. The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom

5. Winning Balance by Shawn Johnson

6. Full Dark House by Christopher Fowler

7. The Duggars: 20 and Counting! by the Duggars!

8. Organized Simplicity by Tsh Oxenreider

9. Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs

10. One Bite at a Time by Tsh Oxenreider

okay, since I posted so late:

11. Help Wanted: Moms Raising Daughters by Darlene Brock

Happy Friday Night, Yo!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

*Big Breath* Continue

Okay Bloggy, let's see if I can get this all out of my head, on 'paper', AND make sense!

Somehow, Hubby and I made it back to the car where I promptly burst into tears. When he asked if they were happy tears or sad tears, I couldn't even pretend to guess! It all felt so overwhelming. Our love had created a child=JOY! But we just decided to not have children= CONFUSION! Plus I was petrified of giving birth=MAJOR FEAR! I didn't know which emotion to go after, and thus went after them all and sobbed like crazy.

To calm myself down we started discussing whether we should tell our parents. I knew I needed my mom to know right away so we started thinking of ways to tell her. We ended up telling my parents, my 2 sisters, and his dad that day. Oddly enough the resounding response was "How did that happen?!" :) ("Hey baby..") All of our family knew we weren't too keen on kids and that we knew NOTHING about them. I think I had held a newborn like, 3 times in my life. I just kept repeating our previous discussion and ended it with "God knows what He is doing!"

But did I really believe that??

As we told more family and friends, I began to feel alienated. Here everyone was rejoicing and completely excited for me. Why didn't I feel that excited? Was something wrong with me? Did I not love this child? Would I ever get excited over having a child??

Time continued on... I didn't get any morning sickness, but felt nauseous pretty much all the time. I wore sea-bands, drank ginger ale and sprite, and ate saltines like they were going out of style. The extreme fatigue really hit me towards the middle and end of the first trimester. I could sleep for hours during the day and still sleep all through the night, minus the frequent bathroom trips of course.! I also got some pretty bad migraines. This was miserable for me because I couldn't take my migraine medication any longer! It was so frustrating to be in so much pain and have the perfect remedy within reach, yet not be able to take it. I found caffeine plus Tylenol worked great for me. Although I know plenty of women say to avoid caffeine while pregnant, I would have gone bonkers with out it! I would only drink half a cup a day and it would help with the extreme fatigue and migraines. Miracle drug.

The worst symptom for me was the extreme hunger!! Man alive! I could eat all day and still feel STARVED. No matter what I ate, whole wheat foods, proteins, fruits, crackers, sugars, or how much I ate I always felt hungry within half an hour of my last meal. I stepped up my H20 intake thinking maybe I was mistaking thirst as hunger, but that didn't help either. My lowest point: I ran to Subway and bought myself a foot long sub and cookies and ate the whole thing in an effort to feel full. 15 minutes later I felt hungry again!! I literally burst into tears I was so frustrated. It took about 2 1/2-3 weeks for me to get that under control. Unfortunately I gained a lot more weight than I should have very early on in the pregnancy.

Don't even get me started on the emotional beating I took on gaining weight. Do you understand how hard it is to watch yourself gain weight and you can't do a thing about it?? Being pregnant means gaining weight. Tough on a girl who was still trying to work on her health and self-esteem.

Enough with the symptoms. The emotional side of things was the worst. I was already confused because everyone around me seemed so happy and I didn't feel the same. I began doubting myself hardcore. I just knew I would be a horrible mom. Friends would contradict that thought, but they didn't know how I felt inside: I resented the baby.

Plain and simple. A baby would ruin everything! It would change my relationship with my husband right when we had gotten to a fantastic spot. It would suck all the money right out of us! Hubby and I were living comfortably in our apartment. We could eat out often and pay all the bills. A baby would take away all my free time! I love to read; would I ever be able to finish another book again with a baby to care for? All our travel plans flew right out the window. This wasn't how we had wanted our lives to be. We loved being footloose and fancy free!!

I couldn't share these thoughts with anyone. Sometimes I would make a small effort, but I would always be shot down and contradicted. I was too scared to tell my husband, afraid he would be disappointed in me. I felt like no one understood, that no one wanted to listen. I became CERTAIN I was insane and would try to force myself to feel otherwise. That just made it worse.

Finally, I had my first doctor's appointment with an OB-GYN. It was time to hear the heartbeat and prove to myself it was all real and happening. Only. She couldn't find the heartbeat. I didn't feel concerned about it at first but the Doctor kept trying to reassure me and scheduled an ultrasound for later in the day. Her reassurances and urgency actually made me feel worse. I spent the afternoon by myself in dark thoughts. Perhaps even my body had failed the baby. 'Would I be upset if the baby hadn't made it??' This thought shocked me, but was also my best defense in the moment. Perhaps if the baby was lost, Hubby and I could just move on with our lives. Go back to normal.

 It was dark, depressing, and quite frankly, disgusting.

Needless to say, the heartbeat WAS found at the ultrasound. I got my first glimpses of the baby growing inside of me. Those first photos grounded me, made me face reality, and forced me to accept a new future. I now think of it as a secret blessing from God.

I am not going to claim that my selfish depression ended then and there. I still had to work towards complete acceptance and excitement. I've read several baby books and parenting books since then and feel more confident on caring for a child than before. I wish I had bought them all so I could always reference them, but I think I will just have to figure it all out as I go.

Since the second ultrasound and finding out I am having a baby girl, life has been sunnier. I adore shopping for baby clothes and hubby and I slowly, very slowly, trying to find the perfect name. I am trying to view it as an adventure and prepare for it as such. I had become so upset/depressed I forgot about God there for awhile and now I am turning back to Him and trying to release my fears and the baby into His perfect hands. This one thing I do know: God will be the One to keep baby safe, not me!! :)

This should conclude the 'Finding Out I am Pregnant' story, condensed version.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Top 10 Friday #2

As you can tell, I may be avoiding the rest of the pregnancy story. Yup.

10 Reasons Jade is OK

1. She can look cute

2. She behaves so well in the car

3. She will always eat your leftover chicken/steak. All you have to do is leave it on the counter!!

4. She eats all the tall grass in our yard

5. She gets me out of the house more often

6. Keeps me active

7. Behaves well in Obedience Class

8. looks super cute when she is 'depressed' because she has her gentle leader on

9. uh...........Jaren likes her!

10. um.... She really likes people.

WHEW! Glad I could make it through that one!!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Another Link!

Here is another post link:

This one I found highly encouraging and will probably need to read, and read and re-read.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Life Changer

Well Hello Bloggy World.

I've been cruising the Blog Scene lately, finding all sorts of wonderful blogs (try and join their scripture memory challenge! it's only week 2!) about God, homemaking, raising children, going green, surviving as a mom, and a combination of all of the above. However, I have been having a REALLY hard time finding a blog about being pregnant. Sure a lot of those blogs include a brief pregnancy section which mostly includes articles about fending off morning sickness and eating healthy (is it really MY fault that vegetables are a huge turn off for me right now??). But man, being pregnant brings a whole host of EMOTION. And I am not even talking about the hormones, I'm just talking about how overwhelming it can be to do/think about, and yet no one ever seems to talk about that much.

So here is the beginning of My Story:

It was this past late January/early February and the Hubs and I were sitting down to a nice romantic, candlelit dinner with a bottle of wine. (No this isn't how baby was conceived :))) We were polishing of the delicious bottle of vino and got to talking about the future and our plans, and especially if we thought children might be involved. Eventually, we both came to the conclusion that the only reason we had thought about children thus far was because of family and societal pressures Then we brilliantly thought 'Hey, that is not a very good reason for having a child!'. Both of us were fine with perhaps never having kids and we started imagining all sorts of life possibilities; both of us going back to school, travelling, knocking off the Bucket List items. It was going to be wonderful!

But then I said, "If God wants us to have a child, He will place the kid in me and it will be born no matter what, birth control or not!" and I did truly believe it. But I also sort of just said it and forgot about it at the time.

Fast forward like a week or two and it was Aunt Flo time. I started getting this big, heavy cramps...but no bleeding. For a few days this went on before I got really weirded out. Of course this lead to me searching the good ole trusty
Conclusion: Ovarian Cancer.
For sure.
So I called the doc and they set me up an appointment relatively soon. I was nervous and scared so didn't tell Hubby about said appointment until we were at the coffee shop that morning. He asked if I thought I was pregnant and I said "I don't think so!" I mean, I didn't have all those "Big Clues" like sore breasts or morning sickness, just these never ending cramps. Luckily, I have a great husband and he agreed to come with me to the doctor's office that afternoon.

At the appointment, I don't think pregnancy was hardly mentioned. They may have asked if I thought I might be and I said the same thing I had told Hubby. So they made me pee in a cup and have a "Lady Check" (sorry Hubs for having to witness that one!). Then they left us in the room for 10 nerve wracking minutes. I had no idea what they were even testing for! Can you detect ovarian cancer from urine??

But sure enough the doc walks back in and simply says "Well, you tested positive."

"What does that mean?!?!" --me freaked out.

"It means your pregnant."-- husband calmly.

The doctor kept talking but really I heard a lot of this:

To be continued.. :)

Friday, July 6, 2012

10 Things Fridays

Hello Bloggy.

Today is Friday.
Today I am going to list 10 Things
Hence the Blog Title :)

10 Reasons my Husband is Awesome

1. He loves to cook and make up new recipes

2. He loves me

3. He puts up with my pregnancy hormones/cravings

4. He works hard and is good at his job!

5. He can be caught washing the dishes on occasion

6. He always makes me smile, if not laugh

7. He is going to be an adorable father!!

8. He buys me sour gummy worms

9. He respects me

10. He has been occasionally known to listen to me :0D