*Big Breath* Continue

Okay Bloggy, let's see if I can get this all out of my head, on 'paper', AND make sense!

Somehow, Hubby and I made it back to the car where I promptly burst into tears. When he asked if they were happy tears or sad tears, I couldn't even pretend to guess! It all felt so overwhelming. Our love had created a child=JOY! But we just decided to not have children= CONFUSION! Plus I was petrified of giving birth=MAJOR FEAR! I didn't know which emotion to go after, and thus went after them all and sobbed like crazy.

To calm myself down we started discussing whether we should tell our parents. I knew I needed my mom to know right away so we started thinking of ways to tell her. We ended up telling my parents, my 2 sisters, and his dad that day. Oddly enough the resounding response was "How did that happen?!" :) ("Hey baby..") All of our family knew we weren't too keen on kids and that we knew NOTHING about them. I think I had held a newborn like, 3 times in my life. I just kept repeating our previous discussion and ended it with "God knows what He is doing!"

But did I really believe that??

As we told more family and friends, I began to feel alienated. Here everyone was rejoicing and completely excited for me. Why didn't I feel that excited? Was something wrong with me? Did I not love this child? Would I ever get excited over having a child??

Time continued on... I didn't get any morning sickness, but felt nauseous pretty much all the time. I wore sea-bands, drank ginger ale and sprite, and ate saltines like they were going out of style. The extreme fatigue really hit me towards the middle and end of the first trimester. I could sleep for hours during the day and still sleep all through the night, minus the frequent bathroom trips of course.! I also got some pretty bad migraines. This was miserable for me because I couldn't take my migraine medication any longer! It was so frustrating to be in so much pain and have the perfect remedy within reach, yet not be able to take it. I found caffeine plus Tylenol worked great for me. Although I know plenty of women say to avoid caffeine while pregnant, I would have gone bonkers with out it! I would only drink half a cup a day and it would help with the extreme fatigue and migraines. Miracle drug.

The worst symptom for me was the extreme hunger!! Man alive! I could eat all day and still feel STARVED. No matter what I ate, whole wheat foods, proteins, fruits, crackers, sugars, or how much I ate I always felt hungry within half an hour of my last meal. I stepped up my H20 intake thinking maybe I was mistaking thirst as hunger, but that didn't help either. My lowest point: I ran to Subway and bought myself a foot long sub and cookies and ate the whole thing in an effort to feel full. 15 minutes later I felt hungry again!! I literally burst into tears I was so frustrated. It took about 2 1/2-3 weeks for me to get that under control. Unfortunately I gained a lot more weight than I should have very early on in the pregnancy.

Don't even get me started on the emotional beating I took on gaining weight. Do you understand how hard it is to watch yourself gain weight and you can't do a thing about it?? Being pregnant means gaining weight. Tough on a girl who was still trying to work on her health and self-esteem.

Enough with the symptoms. The emotional side of things was the worst. I was already confused because everyone around me seemed so happy and I didn't feel the same. I began doubting myself hardcore. I just knew I would be a horrible mom. Friends would contradict that thought, but they didn't know how I felt inside: I resented the baby.

Plain and simple. A baby would ruin everything! It would change my relationship with my husband right when we had gotten to a fantastic spot. It would suck all the money right out of us! Hubby and I were living comfortably in our apartment. We could eat out often and pay all the bills. A baby would take away all my free time! I love to read; would I ever be able to finish another book again with a baby to care for? All our travel plans flew right out the window. This wasn't how we had wanted our lives to be. We loved being footloose and fancy free!!

I couldn't share these thoughts with anyone. Sometimes I would make a small effort, but I would always be shot down and contradicted. I was too scared to tell my husband, afraid he would be disappointed in me. I felt like no one understood, that no one wanted to listen. I became CERTAIN I was insane and would try to force myself to feel otherwise. That just made it worse.

Finally, I had my first doctor's appointment with an OB-GYN. It was time to hear the heartbeat and prove to myself it was all real and happening. Only. She couldn't find the heartbeat. I didn't feel concerned about it at first but the Doctor kept trying to reassure me and scheduled an ultrasound for later in the day. Her reassurances and urgency actually made me feel worse. I spent the afternoon by myself in dark thoughts. Perhaps even my body had failed the baby. 'Would I be upset if the baby hadn't made it??' This thought shocked me, but was also my best defense in the moment. Perhaps if the baby was lost, Hubby and I could just move on with our lives. Go back to normal.

 It was dark, depressing, and quite frankly, disgusting.

Needless to say, the heartbeat WAS found at the ultrasound. I got my first glimpses of the baby growing inside of me. Those first photos grounded me, made me face reality, and forced me to accept a new future. I now think of it as a secret blessing from God.

I am not going to claim that my selfish depression ended then and there. I still had to work towards complete acceptance and excitement. I've read several baby books and parenting books since then and feel more confident on caring for a child than before. I wish I had bought them all so I could always reference them, but I think I will just have to figure it all out as I go.

Since the second ultrasound and finding out I am having a baby girl, life has been sunnier. I adore shopping for baby clothes and hubby and I slowly, very slowly, trying to find the perfect name. I am trying to view it as an adventure and prepare for it as such. I had become so upset/depressed I forgot about God there for awhile and now I am turning back to Him and trying to release my fears and the baby into His perfect hands. This one thing I do know: God will be the One to keep baby safe, not me!! :)



This should conclude the 'Finding Out I am Pregnant' story, condensed version.